Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest thing Vision has to do

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.