Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

(Gaming support cat.)

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Bit chilly again tonight.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo