Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

This is a sub tweet

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx