Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

why am I working on Labor Day

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.