Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

I’ve disappointed better people.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*