Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on