Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.