Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter