Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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