Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

about to have the best blueberries of my life

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Too easy.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races