COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
philosophical skeletons be like