Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.