Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

here we go again

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.