Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

The Struggle

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.