Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…