Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

How to make infinite energy.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”