Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

You had me at “define legal”.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.