Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread