Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.