Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Look Ma, no handle on things

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?