Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”