Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
describing stardew valley
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
happy mother’s day❤️
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.