Cop lights are so pretty at night
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Wife: please donβt let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, itβs fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didnβt you?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Your honor these allegations are
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, theyβre all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: youβre what
[first day as police sketch artist]
βYes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.β
Iβm starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah itβs dumb as hell
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, itβs the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve