Cop lights are so pretty at night
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My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you