Cop lights are so pretty at night
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.