cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
You Might Also Like
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
so, is there a mister shapen head
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.