cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.