Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

The Joker was right

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.