cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
step 6: release the wall snake
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.