Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

“no gods no masters” = leo

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie