Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter