Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.