Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.