Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

what it’s like dating me:

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…