cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them