Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

peep davidson

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!