Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
crying
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
