Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed