Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

My dream job is getting paid to dream

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!