Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
knights of the ikea table
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.