Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies