Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?