Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.