Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Social distancing in Australia:

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear