Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
6: are snakes just neck?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa