Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.