Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
You Might Also Like
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
rip to my favourite tweet
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”