Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dietest Coke
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
