Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
How all things should be taught/explained.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: No, please no more free bread. I’m never going to eat it all.
Italian: Here’s eighteen more rolls!
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
