Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Banking tips

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Follow me for more recipes

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?