Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]