Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.