Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
#TopTip
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?