Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

just witnessed a drug deal

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

I saw nothing

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger