Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

found a horse’s reddit account

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie