Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.