COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.