cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Seductively sings in Klingon.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”