cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me