cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
For anyone who needs this today
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified