cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.