Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.