Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

murder on the timeline

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.