Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”