COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Good point.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you