Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.