Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

no way 😭

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”