Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

my first dose meeting my second

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.