Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding