COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.