COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Basically.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️