Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

I stand by it

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Well, shit

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.