COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.


Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs


Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?


Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.


*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.


I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?


*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.


I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*