My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs
Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*