COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
synchronized noseblowing
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.