COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
spot the difference
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
How your email finds me
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I have a black belt in leather
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.