COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The hardest thing Vision has to do
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.