cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
🙅🏻
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I really had high hopes for this year though
