Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Do one person every day that scares you.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there